Little Victories

It’s a good feeling.

Strive for progress, not perfection.

After a week, I figured an update is beyond due! I have been tracking my meals and exercise with my Create365 planner (lets me see and reflect on it all in one place) and MyFitnessPal (which gives me the amount of calories in what I eat). I’ve been drinking more water, which is huge for this soda- and juice-lover. I ate at home far more often, and just overall made better portion size choices to stay within my caloric goal. I made sure to eat less than 500 calories whenever we ate out, except on days when I exercised in the pool, which gave me some extra calories for a little reward ice cream (though I noticed I feel worse physically after indulging). I lost 5.4 pounds this week. I’ve been trying to make small progress, not perfect progress. That’s another biggie for me.

I am definitely a perfectionist when it comes to myself and my goals. It’s all or nothing. Either I lose weight or I give up and binge. Either I know everything about health and exercise, or I tell myself I’m not ready to begin. Either I keep up on my meal tracking, or I give it up and think I can’t do it. Either I go for daily runs or if I miss a couple days, it’s game over. It’s self-sabotage and ain’t nothin’ but the devil.

After 32 years of existing on this earth, I’d like to think I’ve learned a thing or two. Now that I see my habits clearly, I can begin to combat them. Gretchen Rubin’s book Better Than Before has helped shine a bright light on my preferences and idiosyncrasies, which has shown me why I’ve failed in the past and what I, as an individual, need in order to create lasting change. I’ve learned that I am willing to meet others’ expectations of me but not my own, thus external accountability is essential to my progress. That’s one of many things I’ve discovered and can exploit on this journey.

In order to create lasting change, you need to know yourself objectively, without judgement, and use that knowledge to patiently and compassionately adjust your habits bit by bit.

That’s taken me many years to figure out. I wallowed in self-loathing whenever I made small mistakes. I used every excuse in the book in order to give up. I tried to force myself to work the way self-help books told me I should work, even when it made me miserable. I told myself I wasn’t good or smart or strong enough to make healthy choices, therefore maybe I didn’t deserve health anyway. I don’t think I’m alone in doing all that. I tell you, it is no way to live.

Small steps toward progress is still progress. Failure and mistakes are still progress as long as you learn from them and refuse to give up. And when you do, it’s important to forgive yourself and have some compassion. It’s sometimes easier to be patient with other people than with ourselves. We’re human, my friend. We’re going to screw up, probably often. If God can forgive us, I think we can find a way to do so, too.

You don’t have to be perfect to make progress. You just need to know who you are, who you are in Christ, and stubbornly try, try again.

“Slimmer Summer”

Let the competition begin!

The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind. – G. K. Chesterton

I joined a three-month weight loss competition group led by an old friend, called “Slimmer Summer.” There are 18 women participating via Facebook from several states. It begins today.

Through reading the book Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin, I’ve discovered that I’m an Obliger. In other words, I let my own expectations slide but attempt to meet outside expectations all I can. It means I tend to be motivated by external accountability. This group is one way for me to get exactly that. I have to report in every day or lose points. I put money into the pot so I answer to my husband if I waste the money he’s earned from work.

My goal here is to see how much I can safely and happily lose in 12 weeks, to feel healthier and stronger in general, and to begin to form better habits to last me a lifetime. I’ll keep you all posted on my progress (another form of external accountability).

BUT–

As the quote by Chesterton above says, it’s all too easy as humans to get obsessed by the number on the scale and fad diets and lose sight of what really matters: our souls. It’s not about how I look or what other people think of me. It’s not about living as long as possible or finding fulfilment through something I’ve created.

Getting healthy should be about respecting the temple God made your body to be.

If we don’t seek God first, we won’t have an accurate theology of the body (holla John Paul II), and then we won’t ever be successful in finding true health. To help with that, I’ve focused on scheduling in plenty of time with God, spiritual readings, and the Sacraments to shift my perspective and focus on what I really need to be concentrating on: My Heavenly Father.

I want to get healthy and feel better in my body, yes, but I also want to be at peace with the vessel God gave me through which I navigate the world. I want to respect it properly. I want junk food to be put in its place: the trash. I want to discover the physical as God meant it to be. My hope is that I will be a better role model for my son, and that God and I will be ever closer for this journey.

Day 32 of 33: Covenant

My humble prayer.

…Covenant is oriented to the establishment of kinship… – Dr. Scott Hahn

Tomorrow is consecration day.

I’m nervous, excited, and a bit nauseous as I wonder whether I’m truly ready for this. But I also know that these doubts ain’t nothin’ but the devil. I have done the best I could during the past month, and I know that is all Our Lady and Our Lord ask for.

The actual ritual of consecration is a heartfelt prayer, a vow. Some view it as a contract, but I see it more like a covenant.

A covenant is different than a contract in that it is:

A solemn promise, fortified by an oath, concerning future action. The oath might be expressed in words or in a symbolic action… – Rev. Peter M.J. Stravinskas

And that is exactly what I am doing here. I am giving Mary my oath and establishing an even closer kinship and bond with her.

There will be a pre-written prayer that I recite with my parish tomorrow night during a special Mass, but I want to write my own. I want to write an oath that is personal, that I can recite daily if I like. No words will be adequate, and I’m a bit shy posting it, but hopefully it shows you that your own prayers are always adequate, even if they are only one desperately whispered word. So here goes.

My dear Mother and beloved Queen,

What little I have to offer is yours: my heart, mind and body; everything I call my own inside and out; and any merit at all that I may receive past, present and future to distribute as you will for the good of God’s Kingdom.

I entrust to you my relationships and responsibilities, needs and wants, hopes and dreams. I know that your love and mercy are greater than I will understand in this life, and that all of these things are safe with you.

I ask you to please lend me strength and wisdom all my days so I can serve you and Jesus more and more. Guide me to your Son and never let me stray. Renew this covenant and that of my baptism, and receive my love, insufficient as it is.

In gratitude and joy, My Lady, I am totally yours.

Day 31 of 33: Refuge

This is where I wanna be right now. I envy this cat!

So your strength is failing you? Why don’t you tell your mother about it?…Mother! Call her with a loud voice. She is listening to you; she sees you in danger, perhaps, and she–your holy mother Mary–offers you, along with the grace of her son, the refuge of her arms, the tenderness of her embrace…and you will find yourself with added strength for the new battle. – St. Josemaria Escriva

I’m learning more and more about how much Mary loves us. I’ve been reading books and quotes by:

1. St. Louis de Montfort, of course
2. St. Pope John Paul II
3. St. Maximillian Kolbe
4. St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta
5. Venerable Fulton J. Sheen
6. Dr. Scott Hahn
7. Dr. Edward Sri
8. Her messages at Medjugorje, Fatima, Guadalupe, and Lourdes

What I’m coming to know slowly, through study, prayer, seeking her throughout the day, and reflecting upon each day, is that Mary loves each of us deeply. She is the most perfect (created) role model we have. She is an incredible gift that God gave not just to His Son but also to us.

As an ex-Protestant, I can only smirk at myself when I type the above words. I used to think loving Mary detracted from loving God, that praying to her was idol worship. I wouldn’t go back for anything in the world.

I’m not ashamed of my Mother. I’m totally hers in just a couple days. In her arms is exactly where I want to be.

Day 30 of 33: Stuff

You could literally bury me alive in the books I own.

Avarice is an inordinate love of riches and the good things of this life. Jesus Christ, to cure us of it, was born in extreme poverty, deprived of all comforts. He chose a Mother who was poor. He willed to pass as the Son of a humble workman. – St. John Vianney

I like to shop. Online, in-store, books, home decor, gifts, food, anything. I especially like to spend when I’m stressed or bored. It’s like I believe that buying things means I’m taken care of and secure. It gives me a good hit of dopamine, too. But then there’s another thing I end up with: buyer’s remorse.

Today, I found clearance shelves at Hobby Lobby, several rows of huge wall art up to 75% off and all kinds of nick-nacks for a couple bucks a piece. I’ve been on a home decorating kick these days, buying interior paint and decorations to fill up my walls, when it’s really not necessary. Something within me thinks that once I liven the place up, I’ll be happier. So I spent $75 at Hobby Lobby, $90 at an antique store, and $36 at Home Depot, all in the last week. I can’t afford that, but I still spent it in a flurry of enthusiasm. Now I would rather stuff it all in a closet and burn the receipt as though it didn’t happen. But God forbid I return it all, because I believe “stuff” will make me happy.

Then I remembered the poverty that Jesus chose to live in on this earth. I remember how little Mary and Joseph had, at least compared to the (practically) mansions and abundant “stuff” and food that we have today in average America. Why was it that way? God could have chosen a rich family to be born into, but he didn’t. He chose humility. He chose less “stuff.”

What does that teach us about God, about Mary, and about ourselves?

I think it shows what our priorities should be. Money is not our God, and neither are things. God is the One Who provides. If we were rich, happy, healthy, and perfectly content, what would we need a God for? Poverty teaches us trust, reliance on God, humility, empathy, generosity, all sorts of good traits I could argue for. All the material goods in the world won’t make me happy; only God will.

I want to strive to follow Mary’s example. She was satisfied with less. She didn’t complain, and girl had her priorities straight. She made wherever she was home, just with her loving presence. God provided everything she needed every step of the way, and she trusted that implicitly. I’m going to emanate her and leave my credit cards at home! More books and more artwork on my walls won’t make me happy. Only intimacy with God will fulfil me on the level I’m looking for.

Weeks 2 and 3 Summary

The enthusiasm I felt at the start died down a bit for me. I could feel myself being tempted left and right to abandon my consecration to Mary and do it another, “better” time (like there ever is a better time). Life has been full of distractions that my mind has been all too happy to succumb to.

But as I get closer and closer to the day of my consecration, I find in prayer that Mary doesn’t want me to give up. I hear her sweet voice whisper, “Try,” and I know that I must go on despite my preparation not being perfect. She isn’t looking for perfect, and neither is God. They just want us to keep trying.

So here I am, mere days away, and I’m nervous despite what I hear from my Heavenly Parents. I wish my preparation had been as perfect as St. Louis de Montfort’s direction. I wish I had the fire of St. Pope John Paul II or the persistence of St. Teresa of Calcutta in their devotion to her. But I am not them. My journey does not look like theirs because I am unique, as each of us is. I need to be okay with where I am. I need to have compassion for myself. I need to stubbornly try, try again, no matter how many times it takes. That’s what I learned these past two weeks.

Perhaps this humility is something I needed to learn in order to prepare for consecration. Perhaps I am right where I need to be.

Day 28-29 of 33: Outlook

“One small positive thought can change your whole day.”

One filled with Joy preaches without preaching. – St. Teresa of Calcutta

Pessimism often drags me down. I tend to feel either suspicious or repulsed by anything I deem sanguine. During my time studying psychology in college, I learned about the benefits of positive affirmations. Despite hearing about it being used in therapy, I thumbed my nose at it and avowed that sort of thing just wasn’t for me.

It wasn’t until this past week that I finally gave it a real try.

For one, I have been looking for ideas to help my chronically ill friend find joy despite suffering. She’s sending me ten things that she was grateful for during the day without repeating items. It keeps her thinking about it all day as she searches for things to write about.

Also, I am currently reading a book by the inspiring long-distance runner Deena Kastor, Olympic medalist and champion of positive thinking. It’s called Let Your Mind Run: A Memoir of Thinking My Way to Victory, and it is fantastic. She experimented with having a better attitude and rethinking obstacles into something positive, and she saw real results in her speed and performance. It is a part of what has made her so successful.

All this exposure, along with prayer, has made me realize that Mary has been nudging me a bit. My Mother sure knows I struggle with depression and a bad attitude at times! Her joy is contagious, though, and some of it is finally spilling into me as I become more receptive to her help during my preparation for consecration.

When I have a busy day and feel exhausted, I’m tempted to think, “I wish everyone would leave me alone so I can go to bed.” I’m tempted to begin resenting everything that demands my attention. But when I turn the thought into, “This has been such a productive day! I will have a lot to be proud of when my head hits the pillow tonight,” I actually feel my energy go back up. I handle my duties with more patience.

Another example: When Dorian, my four-year old, is particularly grumpy, I may think, “I’m so sick of this. Why can’t he just listen?” But then I turn the thought into, “These are opportunities to teach him respect.” Or now I’ve taken to just asking him why he’s being grumpy. I was surprised to find that sometimes there is a specific reason that we can discuss, and then he is much more pleasant the rest of the day (unsurprisingly, it also isn’t foolproof, so I find a new positive thought).

I am still experimenting with optimism, but I’ll keep you all posted how it goes!

Day 21-24 of 33: Done

Hiding from God is just another form of denial.

Ever since the days of Adam man has been hiding from God and saying God is hard to find. – Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

There’s this nasty habit I have: when I start to succeed, I sabotage myself. I run away. I fail, get depressed, feel overwhelmed, make excuses, and hide myself from people, from myself, and from God. I feel shame when I see anything that reminds me of God. I get angry when anyone so much as smiles at me. I’m on a hair trigger. I’m impossible to deal with, I imagine.

I’m getting there again. Right when I have been cultivating a relationship with Our Lady, I’ve pulled away from her and from God. I’m in denial and ignoring them until I feel ready to start again. I don’t know if this time it’s because I was succeeding or because my life got exponentially harder lately due to health reasons in the family. All I know is it feels like an arid desert, a Dark Night of the Soul, right in the middle of my preparation for consecration to Mary. Good timing, eh?

I know Saint Teresa of Calcutta would empathize. The last half of her life she struggled intensely with her own Dark Night:

The longing for God is terribly painful and yet the darkness is becoming greater. What contradiction there is in my soul. The pain within is so great… Please ask Our Lady to be my Mother in this darkness. – St. Teresa of Calcutta

What a remarkable woman! And yet even she felt this pain. What did she do about it? She faithfully kept on, trusting that God was there even when she didn’t feel Him. And she asked Our Lady for help. She was particularly devoted to Mary, who I imagine was a great consolation to Teresa as she wants to be to all of us.

I’m tempted to put off my consecration until a “better time” when I’m devoutly completing the checklist of prayers and alone time with God. But I’m not so sure I’m ready to give up yet. Perhaps perfection isn’t what is being required of me. Perhaps the checklist and schedule isn’t what God is asking for. Perhaps this Dark Night is in fact preparing me for the gifts I am about to receive if I faithfully continue. I don’t have to have the perfect preparation in order to consecrate myself. I can let go and trust the process the Spirit is working in me. I still want to belong to Mary. No darkness can overshadow the light of Heaven, even when I doubt that fact in my worst moments.

Please pray for me, friends. Let us never give up. Not today, Satan!

Kondo-ing My Soul

Keep only that which sparks true joy.

 Even a clean and unoccupied room gathers dust; return after a week and you will see that it needs dusting again!

Padre Pio on Confession

KonMari has become a phenomenon worldwide, thanks to the kind wisdom of Marie Kondo, a Japanese organizing consultant. Normally, her method of organizing is applied to material things in the home, but I can see it being applied to cleaning up our souls as well. Here’s how to apply it spiritually:

Step 1: Tidy Through Examination of Conscience

Set aside some time for solitary prayer. Perhaps have a candle and a journal with you. Open yourself to God’s voice and ask for clarity to see His presence in your life and to see where you have been shutting Him out in sin. The goal is to unburden yourself onto the page. Here is a good list of questions to guide your thinking. Take note of anything that is making you unclean that you need to bring to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

Step 2: Imagine Yourself Clean

While in prayer, meditate with a vision of yourself standing with Mary at the foot of the cross, where Jesus is looking down at you with love. Let Him show you how dearly He loves you and wishes to wash your soul clean with His blood. Imagine what this would feel like to be freed from everything that keeps you depressed, discouraged, and apart from Him. Imagine what it would be like to be holier, to be the self God created you to be.

Step 3: Decide What Truly “Sparks Joy”

Take an inventory of your life on a sheet of paper. Take stock of your relationships, your routines, your possessions, your habits. Examine them courageously with Jesus, asking Him to show you what is guiding you to Him and what is guiding you away. The things that bring you spiritual health are the things that will truly “spark joy.” Get rid of anything that takes you away from the person you want to be.

Step 4: Confession

Take your list from the examination of conscience and anything you noticed in your “Spark Joy” exercise and go to Confession. I know it can sound scary, but trust me, do NOT delay in receiving this Sacrament. It cleanses you in a way that makes your steps lighter, your choices smarter, your heart more receptive, your mind more still, and your soul freed indeed. It is incredibly worth it. I recommend going weekly!

Step 5: Eucharist

Once you have done a little spring cleaning in your soul with God, receive Holy Communion. Ask Jesus to dwell within you, literally, and keep you clean. Savor it!

Do This Often!

Once isn’t enough! We acquire so much “junk” and “dust” builds up faster than you realize. Doing this regularly will change your life and bring you true joy.

Day 18 of 33: Teaching

We are always learning.

Gentle woman, quiet light, morning star 
so strong and bright, 
gentle mother peaceful dove 
teach us wisdom; teach us love.

Haily Mary, Gentle Woman Hymn

There was a meeting today at my son’s new charter school where us parents selected the various curriculum we would use in the upcoming school year. It was almost overwhelming, as there are so many choices out there, but it was also exciting! I love teaching, and I love learning. It was easy to be stoked about what my son would be learning in his Kindergarten class.

My favorite curriculum employed the Developmental style. Its lessons are based on where the children are developmentally, taking into consideration what they are capable of at their specific age, and how they learn. Kids aren’t forced to learn anything they aren’t yet ready for.

God does the same for us, doesn’t He?

He never gives us more than we can handle, and He never forces us to learn spiritual concepts beyond our understanding. He gives us exactly what we need exactly where we are, but He also never ceases inviting us to the next level. Once our children master sharing, we teach them generosity, for example. It is the same with us, as God’s children being home-schooled in holiness.

God has made the curriculum and provided us with the materials and capacity to learn. Jesus is our teacher, and I see Mary as our guide and tutor. As someone who loves anything having to do with education, I found this an interesting and helpful train of thought today.

Mary is with me every step of the way, always inspiring me to greater heights of holiness. She wants to do the same with you, with all of her children. Let’s see what we can learn under her tutelage the rest of the month.